


Even if you go

by noraphi



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, I know shit about writing, M/M, are you jealous kihyun?, changkyun stop being a coward challenge, jungkook is the best roommate, no smut just foreplay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-03
Updated: 2018-08-08
Packaged: 2019-05-17 19:01:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14837366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noraphi/pseuds/noraphi
Summary: Kihyun is going to study abroad and Changkyun is desperate for a rejection.





	1. Chapter 1

It’s late on a Friday night and Changkyun feels bitter for a handful of reasons. He’s sitting with Jooheon on the couch, watching Kihyun and Hoseok standing at the door, smiling and laughing at each other, just to name one.

“You know, he announced his leaving half an hour ago and here they are, still flirting.” Changkyun doesn’t even realize he’s clenching his beer, knuckles turning white. He doesn’t even know why he came in the first place. This whole farewell party is a joke. The moment Kihyun had told his friends about the scholarship to study abroad ruined everything. 

“Chill. They won’t see each other for at least a year. Give them some space.”  
Jooheon takes the bottle out of Changkyun’s hands and puts it on the table.

“You’re not helping. I’m suffering here!” With the beer gone there was nothing to distract his senses from the discomfort in his chest and he leans back on the headrest, groaning in frustration.

“Dude, you’re suffering since 5th grade. That’s like 8 years of pining for someone who’s now leaving the country. Maybe it’s time to move on?”

“Yeah, sure, I’ll just use the emergency unlove-switch. Oh, wait, it’s FUCKING BROKEN.”

Jooheon snorts.“So, now what? You’ll wait for him to return and then continue wasting your youth like before?”

“Loving someone is never a waste of time.”

“Oh, come on. Don’t throw that cheesy crap at me. Instead of plotting your personal Disney movie, you should’ve just confessed years ago.”

“Yeah? You mean like when I was 14, wearing fucking braces?!” 

“Yeah, why not? You were much cuter back then.” He ruffles through the younger’s hair, avoiding an elbow aimed for his ribs. “At least you’d be over the rejection by now, pining for another cute ass, who’d even eventually love you back for a change.” 

Changkyun tries to flatten his hair back to normal. “Even if! You know I’m a weird kid. Who’d fall for a weird kid like me?”

“Stop talking shi-”

“Wait.”

“What?”

“Wait. Wait. Wait. I’m a weird kid!” Changkyun sits up.

“Okay…”

“If weird kids do weird stuff, nobody’s surprised, right?”

“I guess…”

“So what if-” 

Jooheon can see him entering a really fast train of thoughts. “Oh no…” 

“What if I just did something really weird?” 

“I have a bad feeling about this…”

“I mean he’d reject me anyway, so I could just…” 

“Stop thinking! You're not good at this!”

“And then I’d have no regrets and could drown myself in heartbrokenness...”

“Is this even an actual word?”

“And he’d be gone anyway, so I’d be able to recover in peace. And by the time he’s back, I’d be so over him, I could be half way through the university's sports team!”

“That’s the dumbest shit you’ve ever said out loud. Here, your weird-kid-award. You earned it.” He peels off the sticker from his beer and puts it on Changkyuns forehead. “Perfect. - Wait, where are you going now?”

Changkyun stands up so quickly, the sticker flutters off. “I need something stronger to drink, I’ll be right back.”

“W-wait! - Oh, damn…”

***

Some time later Jooheon is throwing a drunk Minhyuk over his shoulder. “You sure, I can leave you alone?” he asks Changkyun, while trying to stabilize the passed out body on himself.

“I’ll be fine. Be safe on your way home.” Changkyun pushes his friend out of the door.

“Don’t do anything stupid! And call me the minute you’re home, underst-”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, don’t worry, bye.” Changkyun closes the door and sighs. He’s finally alone with Kihyun, knowing perfectly well it’s going to be the last time for 12 months or even more and the knot in his stomach starts twisting. 

On his way to the kitchen he grabs some empty cups and plates, making a few extra rounds around the coffee table to calm down his nerves. He might have had a few drinks tonight, but he feels dead sober by now, so it takes him three attempts to finally enter the room. Kihyun is sorting the insides of the dishwasher and Changkyun is gulping at the sight of the small frame in front of him. He still isn't used to the black hair, giving the older boy a more mature and serious look. It's stunning.

“Ah, Kyunah, there you are. Thanks for staying longer to help with the cleaning.” Kihyun takes the dishes out of Changkyun’s hands, smiling at him with these perfect cheekbones he wants to pinch so bad. 

“N-no problem, hyung. But you didn’t really say goodbye to Jooheon and Minhyuk hyung, is it okay?”

“I’ll see them once more on Sunday. Jooheon is driving me to the airport and Minhyuk will come along, so it’s fine.”

“Ah, okay. I didn’t know.” Jooheon didn’t tell him, that traitor of a friend. He’s making a mental note for later, while suppressing the hollow feeling of being left out. 

Luckily Kihyun has a tendency to distract the younger pretty quickly. So Changkyun sits up on the kitchen table, feet dangling in the air, watching Kihyun loading the dishwasher. His eyes focus instantly on that beautiful black hair again. 

He had touched Kihyun’s hair once, a few months ago, when it was still longer and a pretty pink tone, pretending to remove some dust or dirt or bug or whatever had come to his mind at that time, and he really shouldn’t have. His hair felt so soft and nice, it was physically painful to let go. Of course, he’s still thinking about it every time he’s pleasing himself, just another mistake. He has almost conditioned himself to react to the thought of touching the other boy’s hair, which is why he definitely should be trying harder to look away, but…

Kihyun finishes handling the dishwasher and walks towards the living room. “Common, let’s get the rest and finish this quickly.”

“Okay.” Changkyun jumps off the table, saved right on time.

***

After cleaning they both collapse beside each other onto the couch. Kihyun has his eyes closed and Changkyun can look at the older’s handsome profile without haste, feeling this annoying knot again, twisting somewhere around his heart this time, really really painfully. 

Jooheon’s been right. He would really wait for him, wouldn’t he? That thought scares him. Picturing himself in a year or two, still hoping for something that might never happen, makes him realize how tired and lonely he is.

A year ago he went through some emotional breakdown and met this guy at a party. He was sweet and handsome and Changkyun just went home with him, having his first time with a complete stranger just to fill this full-grown void inside of him. It didn’t help, but he got off quite good and is still seeing that guy from time to time just for the fun of it. However, at times he feels guilty about it like an idiot. It’s so ridiculous, he snorts at himself.

At this Kihyun opens his eyes, looking at Changkyun. “What?”

Changkyun isn’t really ready to share his feelings with the older but he’s done restricting himself. He needs to provoke this long overdue rejection and then move on. “Hyung, I have so many complaints to make I don’t even know where to start.”

“Shush, it didn't even take us half an hour to finish,” Kihyun replies.

Changkyun curls up, putting his head on the older’s lap, feeling the need for proximity and comfort, knowing everything will be going downhill from now. “No, I mean, for starters, I don’t want you to leave. I don’t care about your education. Please stay.”

“That's cute.” Kihyun starts stroking Changkyun's hair and the younger is melting into the touch. “Tell me another of your complaints.”

“You know I’ve been in love with you since forever.”

Kihyun stops. “What's this now? A confession?”

“No, just a fact.”

“Okay. And what’s the complaint there?”

“Remember your first boyfriend?” Changkyun starts, thinking back, amused about himself. “This really tall dude, total asshead, if you’d ask me, but anyway. I was like, what? Thirteen? Drinking milk like a maniac, praying to the puberty gods to finally let the growth spurt kick in.”

“To be honest I had been wondering where that sudden love for dairy products had come from,” Kihyun chuckles.

“And remember the guy after that? Not as tall but such a smartass. Every time he opened his mouth saying something witty, I felt the urge to punch him. But instead I started reading books and studying for my exams. God, never in my life had I such good grades, but it still wasn’t enough.” He can’t hide the bitterness in his voice.

“Changkyun...”

“And let’s just skip all the stupid little flings you had…”

“Wha-”

“No, wait, let me finish this.” Changkyun sits up, trying to keep his voice calm although feeling the complete opposite. “Then you started dating Hoseok hyung last year and it just broke me. There was nothing I could do to compete and I couldn’t even hate him, cuz he’s like the best hyung. And I feel really bad saying this, but I was so relieved when you two broke up, you can’t imagine.”

“... Why are you telling me all this?”

“I’m just so sick of it, hyung. You’re always three steps ahead of me and I feel like I’ll never be able to catch up. Even now. I’m finally entering the same university you go to but you fucking go away to study abroad. Again, I’m too late and it sucks so much I’m going crazy. That’s why...” 

Changkyun doesn’t even let himself think before moving towards the older and sliding himself on the other boy’s lap, ignoring the annoyingly loud heartbeat in his ears. 

Kihyun’s eyes go wide, hands in the air, uncertain what to do with them. “Kyunah, what are you doing?” 

“That’s why, hyung, tonight, I’m going to fast-forward.” He starts unbuttoning his shirt, glad for his steady hands, although feeling like his nerves had just jumped off a cliff.

“What the fu-”

“I never had a chance, because I was always a kid to you.” He opens his shirt, revealing his bare chest, letting the fabric slide down his shoulders. “But you know, I’m actually not anymore.”

Kihyun takes a sharp inhale, hissing. He closes his eyes. “Changkyunah…”

Changkyun expects the older to get angry, pushing him away and scolding him. He’s so ready for this rejection he can feel the lump in his throat almost choking him.

But instead Kihyun’s hands find their way to Changkyun’s thighs and further up until he hooks them into the front pockets of his jeans, pulling the younger slightly closer.

“I’ve noticed.”

“W-what?” Changkyun must have heard wrong.

Kihyun opens his eyes, gaze intense, taking the younger completely off guard. “I said, I’ve noticed. I’m not blind. And now explain, why are you seducing me like this?” 

Changkyun can’t reply. He can’t even remember his own name.

“Kyunah…”

“Hyung, I…”

“Do you want me to touch you?”

A shiver is running down Changkyun’s spine. This is a dream, right? It just can’t be real. He drank himself into a fucking coma and is now dreaming inappropriate things while lying in hospital, right? 

Again there’s a pull on his pants. “Kyunah…”

“Yes,” he replies and Kihyun starts moving his hand upwards, gliding over the hip bone, finally touching skin around the waist and Changkyun shivers once more, closing his eyes.

When Kihyun's hands reach Changkyun's back, he pulls the younger closer to himself, burying his nose in Changkyun's crook of the neck, breathing in his scent. “You always smell so nice.” 

With Kihyun’s breath on his skin, Changkyun starts shaking. “Hyung,” he breathes. “Please, c-can I...”

“Mhm, you can touch me.”

Changkyun buries his hands in Kihyun's hair and can't help but moan, overwhelmed by the sensation finally experiencing the real deal, growing fully hard instantly.

Kihyun reaches for Changkyun's neck, pulling their lips together. When the younger feels Kihyun's tongue licking into his mouth, he moans and throws his arms around the older boy, meeting Kihyun's tongue with his own and pressing himself even closer to the firm body. When their hips start moving against each other, increasing the friction, it’s the older boy’s turn to moan aloud.

But Kihyun breaks away, panting. “You sure, you want this? Because I will leave tomorrow and I can’t make you any promises. This will feel like a one night stand.”

“Kihyunah, just shut up and fuck me for fucks sake.” Changkyun had thrown all his reason down the bin. He couldn’t care less.

“Oh my god, say that again.” Kihyun groans.

“Fuck me.”

“Not this…”

“Shut up.”

“Neither that…”

“K-Kihyunah…”

“Oh god, yes…” Kihyun pulls Changkyun into another hungry kiss, pushing them off the couch and towards the bedroom.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I fucked up, that's what happened.” Changkyun sighs throwing the blanket over his head, ready to die from misery.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi and thank you so much for all the comments and kudos on the first chapter!!
> 
> I've decided to split the last part in two chapters and to post the first half right away because I keep rewriting it without making it any better and it just keeps me away from focusing on the second half. So here it is. Please enjoy! :)

Changkyun jumps up from his seat. “W-what did you just say?”

“He’s coming back this weekend.” Jooheon repeats, watching the younger turn pale. “Didn’t you-”

“No. Nononono. I gotta go.” Changkyun grabs his notebook and backpack, leaving the uni cafeteria as fast as he possibly can without running. 

He feels like someone had punched him in the guts, making it hard to breathe. He had imagined Kihyun's return more than once and how he’d keep his cool no matter what but of course, when it comes to Kihyun, his body betrays him every fucking time.

He reaches the dorms panting as if he’d run a marathon and slams the door of his shared room shut behind him, leaning back and sliding down, unable to control the panic attack any longer, hyperventilating.

“Hyung, what's wrong?” His roommate jumps up from his chair and comes kneeling in front of him, holding onto his shoulder in concern.

Changkyun can’t focus, still fighting to catch his breath. With his fluttering stomach he feels like falling down a bottomless pit and his pulse is rushing through his ears. His face and hands start prickling and the room seems to become darker each second. Everything’s going too fast. It’s too soon. He can’t--

“Kyunah, LOOK AT ME!” Jungkook needs to shout at him to finally get his attention. “Good, and now breathe with me. Inhale 5,4,3,2,1. And hold 4,3,2,1. Now exhale for 7,6,5-- Yes, like that and repeat.”

They keep breathing together until Changkyun leaves the verge of fainting, finding a regular breathing pattern, finally calming down. His heart is still beating fast and strong but the adrenaline turns slowly into exhaustion and he rests his head against the door, closing his eyes.

“What happened?” Jungkook gets him a bottle of water and hands it to him opened.

Changkyun takes a sip, unable to stomach more, feeling nauseous. “I’m sorry, I- Can we talk later?”

He had never spoken about Kihyun to his roommate. Jungkook only once asked why he wouldn’t date but Changkyun avoided the topic by saying he just didn’t feel like it and his roommate never asked again, case closed. And it should have stayed closed for another 4 months, so why would Kihyun be back this weekend? It doesn’t make sense at all.

Changkyun sighs and returns the bottle to Jungkook. He crawls all the way up to his bed, hiding under his blanket, wondering what to do with this thunder in his head, when he feels Jungkook’s weight beside him and a gentle hand stroking his hair. It’s such a soothing motion, distracting Changkyun’s mind long enough to let him fall asleep soon enough.

***

_Kihyun pushes Changkyun onto his bed, disrupting their kiss just to take off his shirt, following the younger onto the white sheets and lying down on top of him. Rolling their tongues hungrily over each other, Kihyun shoves their hips together, making Changkyun grasp, hot and cold shivers running down his spine._

_“Ah, babe, I can’t hear you. Common, let me hear your sweet voice.” Kihyun bites Changkyung’s lower lip and rocks his hips once more against the younger’s. Changkyun moans in pleasure and grabs tightly onto the older boy._

_“Mhm, I love your voice so much.” Kihyun purrs into Changkyun’s neck, grabbing his thigh, pushing it up towards his waist._

_“Shut up,” Changkyun hisses but complies by hooking his leg around the older, pressing them even closer together, feeling breathless and dizzy from all the friction._

_“Mhm.” Kihyun rolls his hips again and Changkyung groans._

“Sorry, hyung. Am I typing too loud?” Jungkook asks from the other side of the room and Changkyun almost falls off his bed.

“What the f-” Changkyun’s heart is racing from the sudden yank out of sleep. He can't wrap his head around time and space until he realizes that he’s been just dreaming and the disappointment starts spreading a bitter taste in his mouth. 

“No, I just had a... weird dream,” he mutters, giving his roommate an answer while turning the other way, hiding his hard-on with the blanket between his legs.

It's been months since he last dreamt about Kihyun. It leaves him fully unprepared for the sudden and crushing yearning gripping his insides and twisting hard. He’s missing the older boy so bad, it almost chokes him. At the same time he’s terrified to see him again. It’s been hard enough to pretend everything’s fine without him around. Now Changkyun has no idea how to survive.

He’d been such a fool making himself believe, he’d be able to move on after sleeping with his crush this once. He must had been drunk on the sudden attention he got from the older and realized his mistake just the morning right after. Looking at Kihyun's sleeping face, made him drown in an overwhelming urge to claim this beautiful being as the love of his life.

He knew instantly he had to leave the apartment asap. Otherwise, he’d beg Kihyun for any kind of promise, even the smallest one, although Kihyun had already told him he couldn't give him anything other than this one night. So, he grabbed his things and took off before the other boy had a chance to wake up.

Changkyun jumps at the sudden touch on his shoulder. “Kyunah, I know you're not sleeping anymore.” Jungkook sits beside him on the bed and Changkyun just grumbles.

“Tell me what the fuck happened.”

“I fucked up, that's what happened.” Changkyun sighs throwing the blanket over his head, ready to die from misery.

Jungkook grabs the blanket and pulls it away from him, too fast for Changkyun to catch it back. “What do you mean you fucked up?”

He groans, letting himself fall on his back, covering his eyes with one arm. “I need to talk to Jooheon. I- I’ve been lying to him.”

***

Changkyun enters the coffee shop only to make a u-turn at the sight of Jooheon sitting at their usual spot. To his disadvantage Jungkook is right behind him, pushing him back on track and soon they're taking their seats in front of Jooheon.

The older jumps up, almost throwing his coffee mug off the table. “YAH! Have you lost your phone? You better have, you damn brat, or I’ll spank your ass in a way you’ll definitely not like at all!”

“Hyung, calm down.” Jungkook grabs Jooheon’s hand, asking him silently to sit down again.

Changkyun would love to hide under the table to avoid the upcoming conversation but Jungkook turns around and scolds him instantly. “And you! You look like shit! Talk and get better, what's so fucking hard about it!”

“Yo,” Changkyun rises up in his seat. “Mind your words, I’m still your hyung!”

“Yeah, then buy me food later! And now talk!”

“How come everyone's just shouting at me? Let me live for fucks sake.” This situation is so uncomfortable, he can barely suppress the urge to take off and run.

“Kyunah,” Jooheon's tone gets softer, seeing the discomfort in the younger’s eyes. “I’m just worried. I thought you're over him.”

“I-I’m not, okay?” Changkyun grabs Jooheon’s empty coffee mug, just to have something to hold onto.

“Who are we talking about?” Jungkook tries to chime in but gets ignored.

“Didn't he tell you about his plans to come back?”

“No… we didn't exactly keep in touch after… that night.” Changkyun doesn’t dare to look up from the coffee mug. 

Jooheon had called him the day after, still worried the younger might had acted on some wild notions but Changkyun assured him that he didn’t went overboard and that Kihyun rejected him very… gently. He can’t exactly explain why he lied to his friend. But he felt stupid and confused and just didn’t feel like talking about it, still doesn’t feel like talking about it.

“Wait, what? I mean, after the rejection, you’re still friends, right?”

“Well, about that…” 

“Oh no. You did something stupid didn't you?” Jooheon’s eyes go wide in realization.

“Uhm…” 

“What the fuck did you do?”

“I might’ve been not entirely rejected b-but also he d-didn't really…” 

Jooheon loses all patience. “CHANGKYUNAH, WHAT DID YOU DO?”

“W-we f-fu-”

“NO!”

“Uhm…”

“NO! NONONONO! DAMN IT, YOU CRAZY KID! I CAN'T LEAVE YOU ALONE EVEN FOR A FUCKING SECOND!”

“Shhhhhh, hyung, calm down, people are looking.” Jungkook seems startled by the drama presented to him.

“I’m s-sorry?” Changkyun mumbles, still holding onto the coffee mug for dear life. 

“You're sorry?!” Jooheon tries to keep his voice down but he’s so agitated it makes him sound even more intimidating. “You damn brat, I can't believe you! I’m going to kill him, I swear, this crazy bastard will DIE BY MY HAND!”

“Oh my god” Jungkook intervenes. “If you don’t calm down immediately they’re going to throw us out!” He’s looking apologetically in the staff’s direction.

There’s a few minutes of dead silence between them, Jooheon and Changkyun busy with their thoughts, while Jungkook is looking from one to the other, still wondering what’s going on until he can’t hold back any more. “So, mind telling me now who we’re talking about?”

Changkyun clears his throat, fidgeting with the mug in his hands. “Kihyun h-hyung.”

“Kihyun? Who’s that?”

Jooheon snorts. “He’s the reason why this kid’s been weird all his life.” He takes the mug out of Changkyun’s hands.

“So you mean, he didn’t just fall on his head?” Jungkook can’t hide a grin and receives a smack at the back of his head in return.

“Shut up,” Changkyun hisses but is still thankful for his roommate lightening the mood.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On their way out of the cafeteria Jungkook keeps turning around. “Kyunah, nobody told me he’s THIS handsome. How--”
> 
> “Shut up and walk faster, I’m dying here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone still reading this!! There's going to be one more chapter because I'm [insert any excuse].

Changkyun is sitting at the uni cafeteria, ignoring his lunch and staring at his phone. There’s a full spider web of broken glass across the screen and it’s not even the worst thing bothering him. It’s the message he received last night. It made him drop his phone like a hot potato. 

_Kihyun:_  
_You didn’t come to pick me up_

Changkyun had left the phone on the floor and went straight for the door, ignoring Jungkook’s worried questions. He just felt the need to walk out of the dorm, creating as much distance as possible. 

How long had Kihyun been back? A few hours? And he’d already managed to make a mess out of the younger. Changkyun would’ve laughed at himself if he hadn’t been busy running away from another nervous breakdown.

It took him an hour of circling the dorms until his thoughts calmed down. Back in the room Changkyun took the damaged phone out of Jungkook’s hands, who was just admiring the pretty web of shattered glass, and replied to Kihyun.

_Changkyun:_  
_Sorry, I’ve been busy_

He threw the phone onto his bed and himself right after, doubting all his life choices and feeling guilty about that cheap lie. Worst of all, the older boy responded immediately, despite the late hour.

_Kihyun:_  
_I see_

Changkyun was sure the older knew he was bullshitting and for some reason it made the younger, to his own surprise, kind of angry. After everything that had happened plus the eight months of radio silence, how should he had even known he was allowed to come to the airport? How was he even supposed to greet him? Was it all that easy for Kihyun?

When Minhyuk had asked him to come along, he just excused himself with overdue assignments (backed up by Jooheon, bless his soul), while he’d actually just drown himself in computer games and netflix series until his head hurt. Why would he even--

_Jooheon:_  
_Stop staring at your phone._

Changkyun looks up at Jooheon, confused about his friend texting him. Sitting right in front of him, Jooheon points at Changkyun’s food, encouraging him to eat. But Changkyun isn’t hungry. “Are you sure you didn’t say anything about me?” he asks Jooheon.

“I told you a million times already. He didn’t ask anything and I didn’t say anything. I would have, you know, but I promised you not to, so don’t look at me like that.”

“Did you tell Minhyuk hyung?”

Jooheon sighs. “No, he’d kill us both. You for being so stupid and me for not being able to keep an eye on you.”

“Hey.” Jungkook slides into the seat next to Changkyun. “What’s up?”

“Nothing much.” Changkyun pushes his food tray in Jungkook’s direction. “Here, have some.”

“Oh, neat, thanks.” Jungkook puts some fries in his mouth.

“I’d just like to know why he’d suddenly text me like that out of the blue.” Changkyun sinks into his seat.

“Are we still talking about your messy love life? I bet he’d like a second-night stand.” Jungkook chuckles and grabs more fries, while receiving a disapproving look from Jooheon.

“What? I’ve read enough literature stating my point!”

Jooheon snorts. “What literature? You’re just reading porn on ao3.” 

Jungkook inhales sharply, pretending to be offended. “Wait a minute. As a literature student I can assure you that written porn is a beautiful and valid form of art and you don’t need to take your frustration out on me just because you’re still waiting for your invitation.”

“Kyunah, smack his head for me.”

But Changkyun doesn’t react and Jungkook takes his chance to link arms with his roommate, putting his head on the older’s shoulder. “Didn’t you know? I’m his best friend now.” Jungkook sticks out his tongue.

Jooheon snorts again. “As if.” Then he notices Changkyun’s pale face. “Dude, what’s wrong?” He turns around to follow the younger’s gaze. “Oh shit.”

And there he is, approaching their table with Minhyuk on his side. Kihyun looks gorgeous, breathtakingly handsome. His hair slightly longer than Changkyun remembers, a dirty blond tone and kind of wavy. His fingers start itching and he’d slide his chair back in attempt to escape, but Jungkook is still locked to his arm and the moment Kihyun makes eye contact nothing matters anymore. Changkyun just freezes up like a deer in headlights and his head goes blank. He’s just barely aware of Minhyuk’s “Hey, can we join?” and Jooheon’s nervous “Sure, but what are you doing here?” while sending worried looks in Changkyun’s direction.

The only thing Changkyun is really aware of is Kihyun’s dark eyes, observing him, unlocking for a second to look at Jungkook, then finding their way back to Changkyun’s. It’s nerve-wracking. 

“Ki had to bring in some paperwork and now we’re here for lunch.” Minhyuk sits down next to Jooheon, gesticulating to Kihyun to bring another chair from the next table but Kihyun doesn't move, still looking at Changkyun.

“Hi, Kyunah,” he finally says and Changkyun feels weak. He missed him so much. He’s missing him even more now, standing right in front of him while there’s this insurmountable gap between them. 

If Changkyun hadn’t initiated the night eight months ago, he would be able to just jump up and embrace the older without a second thought. He’d be able to ask him questions like how he’s been, why he’d come back yet, if he’d missed him? Did he miss him? Even a little? Why is he looking so thin? Why didn’t he text even once? Why did they both trade their life long friendship for that one stupid night? Does Kihyun regret it? Was it really stupid? Can’t the older just reach out to him, telling him they will be fine? Can’t he just-- 

Changkyun swallows back all his emotions. “Hi, hyung.”

“Who's your friend?” the older asks in an equally emotionless tone.

“Jungkook, my roommate.”

“Mhm.” His gaze switches to Jungkook. “Hi, I’m Kihyun.”

Jungkook's eyes go wide and he detaches himself from Changkyun. “Hi, you're really handsome.” Changkyun groans innerly about his roommate’s directness and inability to read the mood.

“Thanks.” Kihyun smiles but it doesn't reach his eyes and Changkyun suddenly feels the need to save not only himself but his roommate as well, so he grabs the younger by the shoulder. 

“Kookah, you said you wanted to skip classes, let's go.”

“Ehm, what- I mean sure. It was nice meeting you.” Jungkook slightly bows but Changkyun has no patience for any rules of politeness and pulls the younger away from the table.

On their way out of the cafeteria Jungkook keeps turning around. “Kyunah, nobody told me he’s THIS handsome. How--”

“Shut up and walk faster, I’m dying here.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Fine!” Jungkook surrenders. “But I won't invite you to the wedding!”
> 
> “The what?! NO MORE ALCOHOL FOR YOU!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a little update of what I got so far, cuz I'm really struggling with the last chapter. (I've also started with another Changki fic, which distracts me a lot, ups.)  
> Kudos to everyone who's still with me on this one. I'm very determined to finish this story soon-ish :')

Kihyun:  
You’re avoiding me

Changkyun:  
Uhm, no

Kihyun:  
Sure, whatever

Changkyun sighs. Of course he’s avoiding him. It might’ve been for two weeks now but who can blame him? Everything is different. His yearning for Kihyun is different. It is so much more than before. It's physically painful to be around the older boy without being allowed to touch him. Yet again, he can’t stop thinking about Kihyun’s hair, imagining wavy strands between his fingers and this thought alone is driving him insane, not to mention all the triggered memories of him holding onto it while feeling Kihyun’s lips around his-- damn, this is too much. People always warn you about catching feelings after a one-night stand but what about catching physical needs? Is this a thing? He wants Kihyun to touch him again. He wants his hands all over his body. He wants to burn up in his hot kisses and drown himself in his arms. But he can’t, so he chooses to run the other way. There is no in-between at this point.

“Kyunah!” Jungkook storms into the room, jumping on Changkyun's bed, making him almost drop his phone once again. “Dress up! We’re going to Hobi's party tonight!” 

“Eh, no?”

“Eh, yes! Look, you can't hide forever and I need to get drunk, so we’re going.” 

“No.”

“Common, I need you to babysit my drunk ass.” 

“Am I your only friend? Ask someone else.”

“But you're the only friend I fully trust to be immune to my charms even if I get really touchy.” As if to prove his point, Jungkook lies down next to Changkyun, using his roommate's arm as a pillow. They both have grown so comfortable with eat other, Changkyun feels instantly at ease every time the younger snuggles up to him like a pet he always wanted but never had. 

He unconsciously starts stroking Jungkook's hair but it doesn’t have the same effect on him as it would have with Kihyun. In general, he lost sexual interest in any other person than Kihyun. It makes their shared night even harder to forget as it was the last time he really got physical with someone.

He ruffles Jungkook's hair to distract himself from his thoughts. “Poor you, must be hard being pretty and cute, huh?”

Jungkook looks up at him with an adorable smile. “At least you’ve noticed I’m pretty. I’m glad.”

Changkyun snorts.

“Is this how Kihyun-ssi made your heart flutter? ‘Cuz I can see why it worked so well.” Jungkook's smile turns into a teasing grin, until Changkyun pushes him off the bed.

“You’re the worst. I should’ve never told you about it. Go to that stupid party by yourself!”

“But hyuuuung!”

“Don’t hyung me!”

***

“Immune to his charms, my ass”, Changkyun mumbles, while sitting on Hobi’s couch and wondering how Jungkook had managed to drag him to this party. He doesn’t feel very comfortable. There are too many strangers and the music is just borderline to his taste. But that’s what you get when you can’t say no to your cute dongsaeng. Is this what Jooheon had to go through all these years? He’s making a mental note to apologize to his best friend first thing in the morning. 

Jungkook, coming from the improvised dance floor, slides onto the couch and rests his head on Changkyun's lap. “Just give me a minute, everything is spinning.”

“If you barf on me, I’ll dumb you in the backyard and leave.”

“Naaah, you won’t.” Jungkook slaps Changkyun’s thigh and giggles. He’s wasted.

“Ah, Kyunah!” Changkyun raises his head to the familiar voice. He’s pleasantly surprised to see his former hook-up. “Oh, Yoongi hyung, hi! Nice hair color.” Pastel blue suits him really well. But Changkyun’s grin fades the moment he notices Kihyun standing right beside him. Kihyun seems to be in a bad mood and Changkyun can’t help but wonder why, suppressing the urge to reach out to the boy he loves too much for his own good.

“Thanks! Haven’t seen you for a while!” Yoongi replies with a sweet and raspy voice, which makes Jungkook rise up from the dead (and Changkyun’s lap), obviously fascinated by the new arrival.

“True. How have you been?” Changkyun tries to focus on the blue haired boy.

“I’m still sad you stopped calling.” The older boy pouts to emphasize his disappointment and Jungkook shoots his roommate a surprised look.

“Ah, y-yeah,” Changkyun silently curses at himself for stuttering. The discomfort of having three pairs of eyes on him is no joke. He clears his throat. “I’ve been busy with school and stuff, sorry.”

Kihyun grabs Yoongi’s arm. “Wait, how do you know each other?” 

“We met at a party and been hooking up a few times.”

“So, the guy you’ve been whining to me about was Changkyun?”

“Yeah.” Yoongi chuckles, giving Changkyun a wink.

“You gotta be kidding me.” Kihyun walks away, leaving his friend starring after him in confusion.

“Hey, Kihyunah, where are you going?” Yoongi silently apologizes to the boys on the couch and follows his friend towards the kitchen.

As soon as the older boys are out of sight Jungkook suddenly punches Changkyun’s arm. 

“Ah, what was that for?!” Changkyun asks while rubbing the pain away.

“YOU ONLY HOOK UP WITH HOTTIES.”

“That’s not a crime! Also, it’s been literally only those two and now I’m going to die alone, so calm down! It's a sad story!”

“Yeah, very sad, boohoo and now give me the number of that beautiful unicorn or I’ll bite you.” Jungkook jumps on his roommate ready to use his teeth. 

Changkyun’s just lucky the younger is too drunk to be a threat. He can hold him at arm’s lengths with ease. “Go and get the number yourself! Unlike you he doesn't bite!”

“Fine!” Jungkook surrenders. “But I won't invite you to the wedding!”

“The what?! NO MORE ALCOHOL FOR YOU!”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Changkyun:  
> I’m leaving, u good?
> 
> Jungkook:  
> Yes, y
> 
> Changkyun:  
> K is wasted  
> I’ll take him home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic was never supposed to be longer than 2k words. I really don't know what happened and tbh I would've never finished it if it wasn't for your lovely comments and kudos assuring me you're still reading. You guys deserve some kind of closure. So I'm dropping this here for you in hope you can enjoy it despite all the flaws ♡

Changkyun walks into Hobi’s kitchen to grab another beer. Jungkook took off to take his chances with Yoongi and Changkyun has absolutely no intentions to follow him. Instead he strolls the rooms and meets some familiar faces, joins some conversations here and there and returns to the living room finally enjoying himself.

To his surprise he finds Kihyun sitting on the couch, passed out. He had never seen the older boy overly drunk, let alone asleep in a room full of people. To be honest Changkyun had even thought that Kihyun had already gone home. The older boy has never liked being around drunk people and usually left most parties quite early. So, why would he be the first one to pass out on the couch tonight? 

Changkyun’s walking back and forth towards and away from Kihyun, indecisive of what to do. He sits down beside the older, putting his hand on Kihyun’s shoulder. “Hyung, wake up,” he tries but the older boy doesn’t react at all. “Hyung, common, wake up.” Changkyun shakes him gently and Kihyun finally mutters something incomprehensible before slumping onto the armrest. Awesome. Changkyun pulls out his phone from his back pocket and texts his roommate.

Changkyun:  
I’m leaving, u good?

Jungkook:  
Yes, y

Changkyun:  
K is wasted  
I’ll take him home

He calls a cab before squatting down in front of Kihyun, tapping his leg. “Hyung, common, we’re leaving.”

“Mhmm?” Kihyun’s eyes finally open up, still heavy from his nap.

“Get on my back, hyung. I called a cab.” Changkyun turns around patting his own shoulder to signal Kihyun to hop on.

“Mhm.” Kihyun slides down the couch, attaching himself to the younger and burying his head into Changkyun’s neck. “You smell so nice,” he mumbles.

“Good to know,” Changkyun replies ignoring that stupid heart flutter. “And now hold tight.” He grips Kihyun by his thighs and heaves them to his feet.

***

The fresh night air seems to help Kihyun shaking off the sleepiness and he starts getting restless on Changkyun's back.

“Kyunaaah,” the older starts whining.

“Stop moving or you can walk!”

“But KYUNAAH!”

“Hyung! Don't! I’ll go deaf!”

Kihyun tightens his grip on the younger. “Kyunah,” his voice goes suddenly quiet and soft. “Why are you like this? I’m hurting.”

“Did the headache start already? Do you have painkillers at home?” Changkyun asks.

“No, I’m just stupid…” Kihyun mumbles, while a car is passing by.

“What did you say?”

“I said, YOU’RE STUPID!”

“HYUNG, I said no shouting! You’re such a terrible drunk!”

“And you- You’re a terrible whatever, I don't care!”

Changkyun just snorts, feeling bad about how much he enjoys having Kihyun so close to him on his back. He actually hopes the cab never shows up.

“Do you sometimes…”Kihyun suddenly whispers, “still think about us?”

“W-Why are you asking that?”

“I’m just wondering… if it was easy for you… to get over it.”

Changkyun freezes up. “Hyung,” he takes a deep breath. “I never--” But the cab pulls up beside them and and he can't finish his sentence while Kihyun let's himself already slide off his back, not waiting for an answer at all.

In the car Kihyun immediately falls back asleep with his head on Changkyun's shoulder and the younger boy sighs. Drunk Kihyun is really a handful.

***

Changkyun leads Kihyun to his bed. After the older boy rolls himself onto the mattress, Changkyun sits down next to him. “Hyung, do you need anything before I go?”

Kihyun grips the hem of Changkyun’s shirt. “I need you to stay… I don’t feel good.” He curls up on his side, almost wrapping himself around Changkyun. 

“Hey, you’ll be fine tomorrow, I promise,” Changkyun says while gently rubbing Kihyun's arm for comfort. 

“Please...” 

Changkyun takes a look at his phone. It’s 3 a.m and he’s tired. Kihyun also has no roommate to check up on him if he gets sick later. Changkyun sighs. “Ok, I’ll crash on the couch,” he says while trying to detach Kihyun’s hand from his shirt.

Kihyun tightens his hold and pulls on the fabric. “No, I want you here with me.”

“Hyung,” Changkyun sighs again. “I really can’t.” THAT much sanity is still intact.

“Because of that pretty boy?” Kihyun avoids Changkyun's surprised look.

“What?”

“I know you have a boyfriend. I don’t want you to- I mean, I’m- shit, this is so--” Kihyun let’s go of Changkyun, rolls on his back and covers his eyes with his arm. “I knew I shouldn’t have--” He starts sobbing. “If I didn’t give in- how am I- oh god, and you look so good together, I’m--” There are tears rolling down his cheeks and Changkyun without a second thought, just climbs into the bed and pulls the older into his arms. He had never seen Kihyun cry, not even once. And when Kihyun presses himself closer to Changkyun’s chest and starts crying even more, Changkyun's heart is aching.

“Hyung, what are you saying? You’re just drunk, there’s no need to cry.” He’s holding him tightly, burying his nose in Kihyun’s hair and stroking his back.

“It hurts,” Kihyun sobs, grabbing onto Changkyun's shirt. “I miss you so much.”

“Hyung,... please don’t cry. Let’s just sleep, okay? We can talk in the morning.” 

***

Changkyun didn't even realize he's fallen asleep but when he wakes up the next morning he finds himself alone in Kihyun’s bed. A look at his phone lets him groan. 11am and 8 new messages. He quickly scrolls through his chat with Jungkook to see if his roommate got home safely and ignores the rest.

After freshening up in the bathroom he finds Kihyun in the kitchen.

“Good morning,” Kihyun says as soon as he sees the younger standing in the door frame. “You want some coffee?”

“Good morning. Yeah, coffee would be nice. How are you feeling?”

“Like someone ran me over with a truck, twice.” He gestures to Changkyun to sit down at the table, placing a cup of coffee in front of him.

“Mhm, I can imagine. You’ve been pretty wasted.” Changkyun grabs the mug, enjoying the warmth.

“Sorry about that. I’m a mess these days. Thanks for bringing me home.” Kihyun doesn't join him at the table, but instead keeps his distance at the counter, while sipping his own coffee.

Changkyun sighs. “Hyung, I think we should talk.” Kihyun freezes up. 

He slowly lowers his mug. “Kyunah, if it's about what I did or said while I was drunk, please just forget it. I-I didn't want to--”

“No, it's not about that...” Changkyun takes a deep breath. “I want to apologize.”

“For what?”

“For how things have turned out. I messed it all up. I’m really sorry.”

Kihyun puts his mug down on the counter, his hands slightly shaking. He opens his mouth to say something but Changkyun's phone starts ringing.

“Ah, sorry, just give me a second. I need to answer this or he won't stop calling.” Changkyun leaves the kitchen putting his phone to his ear. He assures Jungkook that he’s still alive and will be home soon. It doesn’t even take him two minutes to return to the kitchen but Kihyun is already rinsing out both of their mugs.

“Hyung?”

Kihyun puts the dishes away for drying, avoiding the younger's eyes. “Go home, Changkyun. You have a boyfriend, you shouldn't have stayed in the first place.”

Changkyun reaches out for Kihyun, but Kihyun steps away. “Listen, I get it, okay? And it's fine. You had a crush on me, you got what you wanted and then moved on. There's no need to apologize for it. I knew it would end this way. That's why I never dared to respond to your feelings in the first place but I’d been weak that one night, so if someone's at fault then it's me.”

“Hyung, what the fu--”

“Please, just go.”

Changkyun steps forward, gripping Kihyun’s wrist, hindering him to move away. “Now you listen, hyung. I’m really tired of this push and pull. Jungkook is not my boyfriend and now tell me what the fuck you want from me or else I might misunderstand.” 

Kihyun stares at him with wide eyes. “Let me go,” he whispers.

“No. For once in my life I won't let go of you. I’m really sorry for avoiding you, okay? I just didn’t know what to do. You didn't contact me for eight fucking months.”

“And I woke up alone the next morning! That's a message on it's own! How should I've contacted you after this? Don't you know hookup etiquette?”

“Obviously I don't since I’ve never been interested in anyone but you!”

“Yeah?” Kihyun pulls his wrist free. “Yoongi has a different story to tell!” 

“What is this, hyung? Are you jealous?”

“I’m not jealous, I’m mad!”

“I told you I’m sorry!”

“Yeah be sorry, you damn brat!” Kihyun pokes at the younger’s chest. “I fucking lost my scholarship because of you!” 

Changkyun grabs Kihyun’s hand and holds it tightly to his chest. “You what? How?”

“I couldn't keep my grades up because you’ve been on my mind too much!” He doesn’t even try to free his hand.

“Hyung,” Changkyun closes his eyes, taking a deep breath. “Stop it, I will misunderstand and I’m already losing it here.”

“What's there to misunderstand?” Kihyun steps closer to Changkyun, his voice suddenly gentle. “You should’ve stayed and I would’ve asked you to wait for me.”

Changkyun opens his eyes. Kihyun's face is just a few inches away and Changkyun could lose himself in those deep brown eyes if it wasn't for those red lips he’s been dreaming about daily these days. He doesn't even notice how Kihyun slowly pulls back his hand just to move it up his shoulder up to his neck, pulling their heads together until their lips lock and a soft moan escapes Changkyun's throat.  
He grips Kihyun by the waist and pulls him closer while they both open their mouths to meet each others tongue midway and when they do it's Kihyun's turn to moan and pull them even closer. Changkyun presses Kihyun against the kitchen table until the older boy sits up, wrapping his legs around Changkyun's waist. They both get rid of their shirts so fast, it's like they never interrupted their kiss but then Changkyun's lip's are already exploring Kihyun's neck while the older boy’s hands are pressing into Changkyun's back.  
Their lips meet again, more demanding this time and Kihyun doesn't hesitate to open Changkyun's belt. 

“Kihyunah, can I- I mean,... will you let me--”  
Changkyun breathes into their kiss.

“Mhm. I’m all yours, baby.”

Kihyun holds tight onto Changkyun while the younger lifts him up, carrying him into the bedroom.

***

Changkyun is sitting in the uni cafeteria biting his coffee cup while staring at his notebook, thinking about his assignment. He even forgot about Jungkook sitting in front of him, texting on his phone this whole time, until the arrival of his friends make them both look up. Jooheon and Minhyuk slide on the seats beside Jungkook and Changkyun lowers his cup to receive a kiss from his boyfriend sitting down next to him.

“Aw, look at my first born being all grown-up and in a serious relationship.” Jooheon coos at the couple and then kicks Jungkook's chair. “Hey, kid, you should follow his lead.”

“I’m on it, Dad.” Jungkook doesn’t look up from his phone but smiles while continuing typing.

“Kookah,” Kihyun says, leaning forward in conspiration. “Did Yoongi mention he can’t say no to a night with take out food and gaming? And did Changkyun tell you he’s staying with me tonight?”

Jungkook looks at him with wide eyes and when Kihyun winks at him, he returnes a broad grin. “Thanks hyung.” He stands up, putting his phone in his back pocket. “I got suddenly things to do. Bye.”

“Yo, kid, what about our movie night?!” Jooheon calls out but Jungkook has a fast pace leaving the cafeteria. Jooheon sighs. “All my boys are leaving the nest.”

Minhyuk slides closer. “Don’t feel sad, honey. I’ll hang out with you. We can watch movies and,” he leans in, whispering in Jooheons ear loud enough for everyone to hear “I’ll call you Daddy all you want.”

Jooheon’s face turns bright red up to his ears while Changkyun bursts out laughing.

“Kyunah, I’m glad you can laugh again, but SHUT UP!” Jooheon glares at Changkyun, making him choke on his laughter and cough. Then Jooheon pushes Minhyuk from his chair “We’re going!”

Minhyuk waves at his friends not hiding his big grin while being dragged out of the cafeteria

“So,..” Changkyun leans in, putting his arm on Kihyun’s backrest, “I just heard I’m staying at your place tonight?”

“Yeah,” Kihyun purrs, placing his hand on Changkyun's thigh. “I mean, if you want, but your room seems to be occupied tonight, so…”

“Mhm, thanks for offering me shelter so generously. How can I repay you?” He’s now close enough to place gentle kisses on Kihyun's soft skin right in front of his ear.

“How about you scream my name with that deep voice of yours?” Kihyun whispers.

“Mhm. Deal,” Changkyun replies, placing his lips where they belong.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry for all the mistakes!! I'm neither a writer nor a native speaker, I'm just whipped for Changki!!


End file.
